The onion horoscope cancer

Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.

You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves. Your greatest sorrows arise from your strongest assets: Your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do the worm. The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.

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Clickhole The Onion The A. Leo July 23 to Aug. Virgo Aug. Libra Sept.

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Capricorn Dec. Aquarius Jan. Pisces Feb. Share This Story. Use the watering-can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations.

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There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.

You claim that nobody understands you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can. Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 23,

Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch. Clickhole The Onion The A.


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Pisces Feb.